1st World Transcript

Transcript of Improv from 3/5/06 The World Show Players:

Shelly
Kara
Aaron

Aaron: And now, we're going to do improv for you, and it's going to be the first time there's ever been improv in The World. (audience laughs)

Aaron: And so we hope you like it. This is some theatrical improv, long-form type stuff, and right now, I'd like to bring up The World Reparatory Company. So please everyone, welcome The World Reparatory Company. (audience applauds) Aaron: To start off, we need, oh… a universal theme. You know… (audience member shouts out "death")

Aaron: Death. I was going to give an example, but you've got it. (audience laughs)

Aaron: Death. [Everyone arranges themselves on the backline and Aaron walks forward]

Aaron: I, uh, haven't really experienced that much death myself, except for my grandparents. On my mother's side. My grandparents on my father's side died when I was a baby so I didn't really know them. My last grandmother, Grandma Helen, died a year ago, actually a year and a half ago during the big hurricane down in Florida, because that's where the old Jews go to live and we actually couldn't go down there for her funeral to bury her because the ground was super saturated and she would have floated away. (audience laughs)

Kara: I can't keep a diary – I call it the Anne Frank complex because I just don't think my day to day crap would be worth reading and translated into thousands of languages after I …uh, die. So I don't write it down, therefore I will live eternally. (audience laughs)

Shelly: Um, I kind of think it's interesting the concept of things being everlasting versus eternal. Have you guys ever seen the Power of Myth? Or read it? Or know anything about that? Anybody? It's sort of like all these things, these philosophical things about life and what's important to get across in this world, and it's not…and even like Gods and myths in our culture that we create that everyone understands and then deals with death and power. But he was talking about the difference, basically this guy Bill Moyers interviews this guy Joseph Campbell, who's just this guy that knows a lot. But it's so fascinating because it's like eternity, where you think you're going, or whatever you have religiously you believe when you die, is very different from something being everlasting. For example, Heaven is eternal, but it's not everlasting…? (audience goes "hmmm" and laughs) [Aaron moves forward and begins boxing up materials]

Aaron: Alright, let's go! Let's start packing this shit up, we've got to move out of Heaven; the lease is up!

Kara: Jesus!

Aaron: I'm doing the best I can, alright? You know, I only got two arms here! [Aaron spreads arms, crucifixtion-style] (audience laughs)

Kara: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll use my third arm sometime, I swear.

Aaron: You know, maybe if you didn't let the archangels go, Dad, maybe they could have helped us, you know, fly things around.

Kara: Son, you do not question me…I'm all knowing.

Aaron: You know what? The eternal, all-knowing thing is getting old. Okay? I'm sorry, eternity is over, you're not everlasting.

Kara: Jesus, you forgot omnipotent.

Aaron: I'm sorry, Dad, God, you're omnipotent, all-knowing, Godhead, alright? But who does the dirty work in the family? Mua! I'd like a little payback now. We're getting out of Heaven, I think it's time for me to shine a bit more.

Kara: The dirty work, Jesus? Oh, come on. I started the dirty-work, you're just following in the family business, alright?

Aaron: I don't see a crown of thorns on you. (audience laughs) [Shelly knocks]

Shelly: Come on, in, Spirit. Shelly: [Note: Shelly plays the Holy Spirit as a very nervous character, looking down a lot] Hi, how're you? Hi. Hi. I don't want to look you guys in the face, because you're big, important people.

Aaron: Your head would explode.

Shelly: Yeah. But where would I go? Here! Haha! (audience laughs loud) Shelly: Anyway, uh, I'm sorry, I'm making jokes. So, uh, there's people who are complaining because they just got here and they're upset because they thought it would be different. And anway…

Aaron: It's the Jews. (audience laughs)
Aaron: Complaining Jews!

Shelly: Yeah, I know, they might be… You're, uh, it's big. Should I send them down, or, what would you like me to do? You know, down to the, uh, place where there's fire.

Aaron: Hell? Shelly: Yeah.

Aaron: Hades? Shelly: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kara: Jesus, just because you spent three days there, don't act like you know it!

Aaron: I know it better than you, Dad…

Shelly: Oh, uh, yeah, okay.

Aaron: Well, yeah, don't send them down, just have them wait down in Purgatory. Because Hell has to move out, too.

Shelly: Well, uh, okay. The other question is…

Kara: Yes! The answer is 2004.

Shelly: Right. The third thing, no one knows where we're going.

Kara: Well, shit. You figured that out, huh?

[Transition]

Aaron: Ooooh, I am so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Johnson.

Shelly: Thank you… I am, feeling relieved, I don't know. There's something about…

Aaron: Sad? Shelly: Yeah, I dunno, but there's something about…he was such a bastard.

Aaron: Such a bast…ard?

Shelly: Such a bastard! You know he hit me? Oh! Good God.

Aaron: No, I'm so sorry. The people are going to be here for his eulogy…

Shelly: Well, he deserves it, doesn't he? Hah!

Aaron: I can understand your pain, Mrs. Johnson, but don't you want the people who are there to pay their last respects to say something nice about him?

Shelly: Something nice about him?

Aaron: Well, a eulogy is traditionally something nice. You don't… "Mr. Johnson was a fuck who beat his wife" doesn't usually work. (audience laughs)

Shelly: Right. So, the whole idea of showing the big lash across my back isn't going to cut it. Is that what you're saying?

Aaron: Mrs. Johnson, you're paying for the afternoon, you can do that if you want to. I just don't know if the family's going to be happy with it.

Shelly: I just think people should know what a monster this man was.

Aaron: [breathes deeply]

Shelly: They should know.

Aaron: Okay, it's your family's funeral, so… [Kara enters the scene]

Kara: Mrs. Johnson, I am so sorry, I feel like I never knew Mr. Johnson.

Shelly: Hah, yeah, not many people did!

Kara: I feel like he was such a great man.

Shelly: Yeah, he was, especially when he wasn't on the liquor bottle. The liquor bottle I would hide in the sock drawer, haha!, away from him. [Aaron writes on a notepad]

Aaron (aside): Liquor bottle in the sock drawer…

Shelly: I should've just thrown it out, you know? But instead, you know, he'd pick it up, finish it, and crack it on my head. (audience laughs)

Shelly: Oh, that little bastard!

Kara: Oh, I feel like I've just become closer to him!

Shelly: I know, I know, I was hoping that reaction would happen. I was like [pantomimes a gun in someone's mouth], when I put this gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, Nancy's going to come in here and feel like she knows you – "Urough! Urough!" I was like, "What?" Bang! Haha! (audience laughs)

Shelly: He was such an ass! What an asshole!

Kara: Thank you for sharing that! Shelly: You're welcome, you're welcome. Don't touch me, though, I hurt.

Aaron: I don't mean to interrupt your moment, but did you just confess to murdering your husband? Did I-did I hear that?

Shelly: Umm…er….hah…what?

Aaron: You know what, I'll just pretend I didn't hear it.

Shelly: Yeah, no.

Aaron: We're all ready, if you would just take your seats.

Shelly: I'll sit here! You can sit if you want!

Kara: Oh! Thank you! Aaron: I want to thank everyone for coming out for coming to…uh… [Shelly breaks out crying]

Aaron: Mr. Johnson's…Billy Johnson's funeral. Before we begin, Mr. Johnson had just one request before we start, he left this liquor bottle here by his socks and he… [Aaron hits Shelly on the head with the bottle]

Shelly: Ugh! [Shelly falls off her chair to the floor]

Aaron: Good old Bill Johnson. [Transition]

Kara: I finally finished it!

Shelly: You're diary? Mary, you finished your diary?

Kara: It's not my diary, it's-it's my whole memoir, it's all of who I am. There's nothing left inside of me.

Shelly: Nope! You're completely spewn upon words that are spewn upon paper that are spewn a notebook that are spewn upon your hands that are spewn upon your body that are spewn upon the floor that are spewn upon the Earth that are spewn upon the mantle that are spewn upon the core of the Earth that are spewn upon the energy lifeforce that makes everything go round. (a lot of audience laughter here) Shelly: Pretty awesome.

Kara: Yep. My purpose is done.

Shelly: Yep and that is a good purpose.

Kara: Yep, so I'm just going to take it easy for the rest of my days.

Shelly: Right, you're just going to let everything out. You're going to breathe in and then you're going to breathe out. And then the molecules that exit you will enter the leaf of a plant and that plant will take in those molecules that came out of your lungs and that plant leaf will grow and grow… [Aaron steps forward]

Aaron: Cut to half an hour later. [Aaron steps back]

Shelly: And then the world will combust and we will be in Heaven, but it won't really exist because they have to move because everything is changing and that's the only constant. Pretty amazing.

Kara: Yep. What did you just…yes…

[Transition]

Aaron: You're um…I'm sorry, I had to put Mrs. Whiskers down.

Kara: Oh God… Aaron: Yeah, but it was the best thing for her.

Kara: Oh, God.

Aaron: I'm sorry, Sally, I know she was important to you, I know she was important to you – important to you – but she was too loud.

Kara: No, you're right, she was loud.

Aaron: But it was obvious she was in pain and I can communicate with cats and she was like, "meow," and I knew it was time.

Kara: Well, um, God, I feel like I should give you something for your troubles?

Aaron: It's no trouble, it should be covered by your cat health insurance.

Kara: Oh, that.

Aaron: It's okay.

Kara: Um, Dr. Richards, I sort of slacked on the cat insurance thing. I thought if it was her time to go, she would be hit by a car, I didn't think I'd have to put her down.

Aaron: Oh, well, in that case, I'll have to keep her then. [Puts cat in a drawer]

Kara: Oh, well…that's fine. If I don't have to pay I'll just [points off stage behind her]…go 'cause, alright then.

Aaron: You look like you're in a little bit of pain.

Kara: Oh, yeah. Aaron: I can give you a little something for that. [Pulls out a large needle]

Kara: Oh, well, no…I can't pay you for that, but…

Aaron: Oh, no, it's free.

Kara: But putting me out of my misery would be great. Cutting my wrists would just be too messy.

Aaron: Well, you know what? [Pulls out cat]

Aaron: Happy Birthday, I'm just kidding. She's alive, you can take her. I'm just kidding, I'm not even a real veterinarian. [Pulls off mask] (audience laughs)

[Transition]

Shelly: Wow. I don't know, because, is theatre dead?

Aaron: Theatre doesn't die.

Shelly: That's what I'm thinking, because I'm reading it, and I'm thinking, "it's not dead." Or, it's like the only alive art. Because it's in the moment, it's alive. But this man in the New Your Times is like, "It's dead." God, the New York Times these days.

Aaron: You can't listen to the Times. The Times are…behind the times.

Shelly: Oh, Earl!

Aaron: Wit ain't dead either!

Shelly: I don't get it, but I'm so glad I married you anyway.

Aaron: Our marriage. Is like…a bumblebee with human eyes.

Shelly: Yes, yes, it can, uh, uh, we know it.

Aaron: That's not what I meant.

Shelly: Yeah, I'm very happy for it. I like buying you milk. You like 2 percent. It's great. It gives me such purpose. Sometimes, you know, I see other people, they have babies, I don't, we don't….

Aaron: Babies…oh-ho! So pase! Babies create…windmills.

Shelly: Yes, because they all breathe and it all…connects. I think I read about that once in a magazine. It was the colored one about the USA. [Aaron presents her with a cake]

Aaron: Happy Tuesday, darling. Blow out the candles.

Shelly: Oh! Aaron: Just like theatre.

Shelly: Because the flame was alive and now it's dead. Remember when I had the baby and it died? I remember that.

Aaron: It was alive…

Shelly: I was trying to remember that and I became confused because…

Aaron: And then it became theatre.

Shelly: And it was like being alive in me and then it was…we buried it. It's a shame we can't have kids.

Aaron: We can try again if you want to.

Shelly: Oh, phoo! There's more milk to be bought!

[Transition]

Kara: Roger?

Aaron: Mary?

Kara: I broke the toaster.

Aaron: Oh, congratulations, finally.

Kara: No, Roger!

Aaron: Mary.

Kara: I broke the toaster.

Aaron: Oh my God! Is it time? Oh, come on! [Gets into a car] We need to get you to the hospital right away! Mary broke the toaster! I mean, did you break the toaster or did you break the toaster?

Kara: I broke the toaster, Roger.

Aaron: Oh, you broke the toaster. Well, I can fix it. [Shelly enters in near tears]

Shelly: Mom? Dad? I broked the nose off my teddy bear. [Both Aaron and Kara become excited, jumping around screaming]

Kara: She broke the nose off her teddy bear!

Aaron: Oh, it's about time!

Kara: We'll go the hospital, honey. [They get into a car and start forcing in Shelly]

Aaron: You're a real woman now.

Kara: Get in, honey… [Shelly sits in the car]

Aaron: Wait, did you break the nose off your teddy bear?

Shelly: I broked the nose off my teddy bear!

Kara: Oh, you broke the nose off your teddy bear. [Everyone but Shelly gets out of the car]

Aaron: Oh, I can fix that.

Kara: Yeah, Dad can fix that.

Shelly: Well…I'm getting out of the car now… [Shelly gets out of the car]

Kara: I'm sorry…

Aaron: Darling, I'm leaving you for a man.

Kara: Oh, you're leaving me for a man?

Aaron: No, really, I'm leaving you for a man.

Kara: Oh, you're leaving me for a man…

Aaron: Yeah. Um, but I broke the toaster, and I pulled the nose off the teddy bear before I'm gone and I skinned the cat and cried over the spilled milk.

Kara: Alright. Just tell me that you caught the toad and I'll let you go.

Aaron: Don't bring that up again! This is why I'm leaving you!

Shelly: Oh! I am going to be fucked up later in life! (big audience laugh)

[Transition]

Aaron: Well, I'm going to have one.

Shelly: Thank you.

Aaron: Well, pull up a chair, have a cigar, you're dead – it doesn't matter!

Shelly: I know!

Kara:: At last you've got all the time in the world. But you're not in the world anymore.

Aaron: You're in Heaven!

Kara: Yes.

Shelly: I think I'm a little confused because, I, when you commit suicide, I thought they didn't put you in Heaven.

Kara: Haha! That's what we tell people.

Aaron: Yeah, it's cool – that was the old Heaven.

Shelly: Oh.

Aaron: Yeah. This is the new Heaven. We had to move.

Kara: It's improved. We have so much more space now. Be glad you weren't here before.

Aaron: We used to be down the street by the big pearly gates.

Shelly: Yeah.

Kara: Pearly Gates are soooo nineteenth century.

Shelly: Well, I'm certainly excited to see…[Aaron gives Shelly a contract]oh!

Aaron: Just read it, fill it out. Sign. We just want to make sure that you're comfortable, get you in the right apartment, with the right family…

Shelly: Sure, sure. I didn't know it was so much like planet Earth here.

Aaron: Yeah, there's just so many souls here that we try to keep things in order.

Kara: Hahaha! Even Heaven has paperwork.

Aaron: Yes, yes, you say it's a [can't tell] version of Heaven and Hell here…

Kara: Hahaha! Yes.

Shelly: Uh, if I don't end up liking it, do you guys have any buildings?

Aaron: Yeah, we do have buildings, but I don't think you want to go into the buildings.

Kara: You're a building goer, huh?

Shelly: I was just thinking…

Aaron: If she wants to go into a building, I think we should let her going into a building.

Kara: I didn't say anything! If she wants to go into a building, I say we just let her go into a building.

Aaron: Uh, yeah, you can go into a building if you want to. Fuck Heaven, right?

Kara: Yeah, who needs Heaven if you've got a building. [Transition, same topic]

Shelly: Uh, excuse me, Jesus and God, but you have some angels and they're telling people they can go into buildings.

Aaron: What? Buildings? They can't go into buildings. Kara: Yes, I do not make buildings, I make the world!

Shelly: Yeah, and it goes around and around. From that, things happen inside of it and…

Kara: I know! [Transition, same topic, everyone's picketing]

Aaron: We want more buildings, hear us, God! Build more buildings! I would like a luscious two-building apartment. I would like a furnace and a bathroom.

Kara: Will not stop until I get a ceiling! Sick of wide-open spaces!

Shelly: I would like to be able to see where energy goes and see where it comes from and see where plants and water come from and how rocks and soil interconnect, do you hear me?

All: Yeah! [Transition] [Aaron's on stage. Kara and Shelly are sitting close to the stage] Hi, welcome to the Afterlife Café. I'm your host, Beezlebub. How ya' doing? We have some really fantastic entertainment while you're here, I mean where are you going?

Kara: Where's Horace!? Hahahaha!

Shelly: Yeah, he's a riot!

Aaron: Don't make me sick Cerebus on you!

Shelly: Hahaha! Tell a penis joke! Get dirty, we're in Hell, we can do that down here! Talk about tits and vaginas!

Aaron: Hey, no, this is my art form here…

Shelly: Oh, no, shut up!

Aaron: No, I have jokes about my things because I want to give people a different look.

Shelly: Well, no one wants to hear that! We're all fallen. You hear me? [Shelly pantomimes sex] I fell hard!

Kara: We all fell hard!

Aaron: No, that's not alright. Look, we're all burning and burning everyday. I would like to give us a little bit of enlightenment here.

Shelly: Well, enlighten some brokenness, okay? Talk about how the needle felt when it went in. Or, better yet, a big, hard penis!

Aaron: Listen, that's not okay. No, this is a family-oriented show. Excuse me, if you could be quiet, I could just carry on.

Shelly: Yeah you better, because the crowd's really getting restless. The Hell's Angels might come up on stage and kill some people!

Aaron: Hey, will you please be quiet. There's some etiquette in Hell.

Shelly: Yeah, I bet. So let's see it. Or whatever.

Aaron: So, anyway, these two Peanuts are walking down the street…

Shelly: Oh, I just farted! That smells!

Kara: Hahahaha! See, farts are funny! Funnier than peanuts!

Shelly: Don't eat the beans! Don't eat the beans around here!

Aaron: Don't talk on my punch lines, please. The people out there are here for half an hour, and they're just going back to getting their livers eaten by vultures, so please…

Shelly: Hey, hey, if you wanted my stench to come up there and you didn't know who it was from, that's okay. I was just trying to save your nose.

Aaron: Excuse me, so, this woman is in a bar, and she hears, "Hey, you look very nice tonight," and she looks around and she says "Hey, I don't see anybody…"

Shelly: Oh, I think some poop came out!

Kara: Yeah, you can see a stain on it…

Aaron: You know what, alright, fuck this, listen you want to try? Because I'm done. I don't have time for this.

Shelly: Oh, no, no.

Aaron: Oh, no, no? Why don't you come up here, Ms. Blabbermouth and fart and shit and stuff? Everyone wants to hear it.

Shelly: I just thought maybe we were all having some sort of Hell experience since we're here together.

Aaron: Oh, you thought you were helping out?

Shelly: Yeah.

Aaron: Well, you're not helping out! You're not helping out!

Shelly: Oh, really? I thought they were enjoying my bits of notions.

Kara: I really was! Hahahaha!

Shelly: My little stinky bits!

Kara: Little stinky bits! Hahahaha!

Aaron: Thank you for coming to the Hell Café…alright fuck this!

Shelly: Yeah, fuck this! [Transition]

Shelly: Um…we are…out of staples.

Kara: Oh, no! Staples… [Aaron comes with a box]

Aaron: Staples.

Kara: Here you go.

Shelly: Oh, uh, I wanted to tell you too, the meeting that changed to 3 got changed to 4 and you can't go to it because you have that meeting at 4 you always go to.

Kara: Oh, that's right. [Aaron picks up a phone]

Aaron: BRING! BRING! [Kara picks up her phone]

Kara: Hello?

Aaron: Oh, hey, uh, don't worry about that four o'clock meeting, it's cancelled.

Kara: Oh! I'll be at your meeting.

Shelly: Oh, uh…

Kara: Your four o'clock meeting, we'll reschedule the other meeting.

Shelly: Oh, uh, crazy. Oh, also, also, I'm sorry about this, but the salad that you always ordered from Richard's, they didn't have it today, they were out of the organic greens… [Aaron comes by with a platter]

Aaron: Excuse me, eh! We found one more! It was in the back.

Kara: Thank you! You're so sweet!

Aaron: And because we didn't think we had it, it's free.

Kara: No…

Aaron: It's free! No, here's five bucks.

Kara: Wow. This salad is really the best.

Shelly: So, uh, maybe this is the time to tell you that I'm pregnant, so I'm going to leave the job starting now… [Aaron walks over and punches Shelly in the stomach repeatedly]

Aaron: Hey! You can stay! Here's an extra salad! THE END!